I don’t like Gareth Barry and I think he’s shit.

This started off as a tweet but I felt that I couldn’t really sum up all my feelings about Gareth Barry on twitter so took to writing a blog-post about just how much I hate Gareth Barry and why he is the epitome of everything that is wrong with English football.

I don’t like Gareth Barry and I think he’s shit. He’s a cumbersome, slow, dozy, loutish oaf. How is he allowed to play for England? How is he able to consistently get picked for Manchester City? What am I missing? He’s really slow, in every conceivable way he’s slow. He moves with the all pace of a glacier, when he’s trying to chase back on the cover it’s like he’s running up a sand dune towing a caravan.

Why is Gareth Barry wearing the captain's arm band, is this some kind of sick joke?

I still have nightmares about him trying to tackle Mesut Ozil during the World Cup. “JUST FUCKING FOUL HIM” I screamed at the maximum of my vocal capacity, much to the irritation of my mother who had friends round at the time and was inexplicably not watching the game. But Barry could not foul him, not for the want of trying; but he was just far too slow to pull off even a cynical chop. Ozil skipped away from him and set up yet another humiliating goal, killing my world cup dreams in the process. That’s right Barry, you killed my dreams you bastard.

As a skilful and pacey attacking midfielder Mesut Ozil is like kryptonite to Barry.

Of all the piss-poor, slap-dash, tin-pot performances during the World Cup, Barry’s was consistently the low point, you can’t fault his consistency. He wasn’t even fit, it’s bad enough taking a fully-fit Barry (oxymoronic, Barry can never be fully-fit) to the World Cup, but a semi-fit Barry? Capello might as well have simply put a shirt on the grass in between the defence and midfield lines for all the good it did having him on the pitch.

Gareth Barry’s qualities are that he gives the ball away frequently, fails in nearly every difficult pass he attempts, is too slow to deal with any kind of attacking threat, constantly commits fouls and can’t read the game, in fact he probably can’t read at all. Barry is a big lad, he’s got strength, but he can’t use it, because on the odd occasion he does make a tackle it’s nearly always a foul and the rest of the time he can only stand and watch (strongly) as the game passes him by.

Barry benefits from his ability to make even the easiest task look extremely difficult. I think this lures people into thinking he’s doing really well for the team when in fact he’s just making the things Nigel De Jong does with no fuss look incredibly difficult. He’s like the opposite of an accomplished defender who always reads the game and steps in to win the ball making it look easy, or a Striker who always seems to be in the right place at the right time to finish with poise and composure. Barry doesn’t read the game, Barry gets caught out of position, then has to scramble around trying to adjust his terrible feet as a result of his dire positioning, his dire touch and his complete lack of agility. Barry is never fully in control of the ball and every time he has it I know it’s only going to be moments before he makes me angry, he’s a defensive-midfield Heskey.

Heskey ponders how he managed to acquire 62 England caps.

Barry gets plaudits from pundits, “he keeps it simple” they tell me “he does an important job” some will say “look how hard he works for the team” they assert, well I’m from the school of thought that says work smart not hard. Keep the ball in the first place and then there is no need for Barry to be there to win it back, worse still it’s always Barry who gives it away in the first place, Barry is there to clean up the mess he himself creates. He’s like a bin man who litters his own street just so he can tidy it up, thus making sure he has a job to do. Just when you think they might finally see his wicked ways and will expose Barry for the fraud that he is after yet another totally inept display, Gary Neville gives him man of the match and I just want to cry, in a dark room, alone.

The best midfield players in the world are small, agile, quick on the turn, excellent in possession, technically gifted and generally Spanish. We have Gareth Barry an outdated player stuck in the wrong generation. He’s a land line in a world of smart phones, a camp fire in a world of microwaves, a great big ugly dinosaur in down town Tokyo clumsily stepping on people and leaving devastation and destruction in his wake.

I don’t like Gareth Barry and I think he’s shit.

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10 thoughts on “I don’t like Gareth Barry and I think he’s shit.

  1. Pingback: Don’t Blame Balotelli | Canary Conspiracies

  2. The problem with people like you is that you don’t understand the game well enough to see what Barry actually does and contributes to the team. He keeps the ball moving at all times and is able to dictate the pace of the game. Why do you think he is rated so highly amongst city players n fans? He does the dog work so the likes of Nasri, Toure & silva have a lot more freedom. Learn the dynamics of the game before you start slating a player whose job you don’t have the ability to do. Cheers.

    • Thanks for your comment.

      Firstly the criticism is exaggerated for comic effect in the form of hyperbole and shouldn’t be taken entirely literally.

      I fully understand the role Barry plays within the team, I just don’t think he does it at all well and is carried and protected by the players around him. In a four man midfield his lack of mobility would be far more exposed.

      His pass success is only 86% which when you consider he mostly plays short passes is poor. Michael Carrick’s is 90% and he has a far better range of passing than the one dimensional Barry. Carrick on average also plays around 10 passes more per game. Scott Parker passes the ball less on average but again with a 90% success rate which is better than Barry.

      Defensively both players are also far better than Barry. Carrick averages more tackles, blocked shots and interceptions per game. Parker averages 1.2 tackles per game more than Barry and is even better than Carrick at blocks.

      Parker is a much better defensive midfielder than Barry. Michael Carrick is not only a better defensive midfielder than Barry but is also better in possession and doesn’t have the luxury of a tactical system set up to accommodate him, he works far harder than Barry does.

      If you want to look elsewhere, how about Mikel Arteta? He’s the best of any of the players mentioned so far in terms of his passing ability, averaging 2.1 key passes per game, 91% pass success despite completing on average 13 more passes per game than Barry. But you think he’s weak defensively? Nope, he averages the same number of tackles per game as Barry. This is Mikel Arteta who has no full international Spanish caps. He’s far better than Barry but he can’t get near the Spanish squad.

      Barry is a triumph of mediocrity, an average player in a very good side. The fact that he gets anywhere near the England side shows just how poor we are in some positions. The fact that you think because I don’t rate him I don’t understand the game is baffling and your justifications for Barry are ill-conceived. So no, I think I will continue to slate Barry thanks.

  3. This is spot on. I think he is terrible too. Hopefully his injury will mean he will miss Euro 2012. I have nightmares about Ozil running past him too. He had a 5 yard head start!

  4. Did you ever read something where your exact thoughts are captured by another person and you think to yourself, wow. There is actually a rational and sane human being left on the earth. Great work and 100% accurate. He is shit. I found this by typing into google, Gareth Barry is shit!

  5. minty eddy, you are a retard. If you understood the game you would realize how over rated barry actually is. Guy struggles in every aspect of the game, mainly his ability to pass the ball.

  6. About time someone who shares my hate for this player. You are 100% accurate, he does nothing whenever I watch him I get angry, there are midfielders playing in the championship that are better. Everything he does takes to long, he is the problem with the English game and anyone who says you don’t understand football is a moron, his role is not complex, read play win the ball and distribute it quickly and accurately, fact is he does none of these well at all, yet people think he does something magical that isn’t visible to the naked eye. Fact is he is SHIT and everyone involved with football in this country is thick and clueless, we are a second rate football nation at best.

  7. you are right, he is sh1te. its a dreadful indictment of the awful quality of English players that have come through the FA’s so-called youth system. we are so far behind the rest of the world that I fear we won’t catch up in my lifetime

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