This started off as a tweet but I felt that I couldn’t really sum up all my feelings about Gareth Barry on twitter so took to writing a blog-post about just how much I hate Gareth Barry and why he is the epitome of everything that is wrong with English football.
I don’t like Gareth Barry and I think he’s shit. He’s a cumbersome, slow, dozy, loutish oaf. How is he allowed to play for England? How is he able to consistently get picked for Manchester City? What am I missing? He’s really slow, in every conceivable way he’s slow. He moves with the all pace of a glacier, when he’s trying to chase back on the cover it’s like he’s running up a sand dune towing a caravan.
I still have nightmares about him trying to tackle Mesut Ozil during the World Cup. “JUST FUCKING FOUL HIM” I screamed at the maximum of my vocal capacity, much to the irritation of my mother who had friends round at the time and was inexplicably not watching the game. But Barry could not foul him, not for the want of trying; but he was just far too slow to pull off even a cynical chop. Ozil skipped away from him and set up yet another humiliating goal, killing my world cup dreams in the process. That’s right Barry, you killed my dreams you bastard.
Of all the piss-poor, slap-dash, tin-pot performances during the World Cup, Barry’s was consistently the low point, you can’t fault his consistency. He wasn’t even fit, it’s bad enough taking a fully-fit Barry (oxymoronic, Barry can never be fully-fit) to the World Cup, but a semi-fit Barry? Capello might as well have simply put a shirt on the grass in between the defence and midfield lines for all the good it did having him on the pitch.
Gareth Barry’s qualities are that he gives the ball away frequently, fails in nearly every difficult pass he attempts, is too slow to deal with any kind of attacking threat, constantly commits fouls and can’t read the game, in fact he probably can’t read at all. Barry is a big lad, he’s got strength, but he can’t use it, because on the odd occasion he does make a tackle it’s nearly always a foul and the rest of the time he can only stand and watch (strongly) as the game passes him by.
Barry benefits from his ability to make even the easiest task look extremely difficult. I think this lures people into thinking he’s doing really well for the team when in fact he’s just making the things Nigel De Jong does with no fuss look incredibly difficult. He’s like the opposite of an accomplished defender who always reads the game and steps in to win the ball making it look easy, or a Striker who always seems to be in the right place at the right time to finish with poise and composure. Barry doesn’t read the game, Barry gets caught out of position, then has to scramble around trying to adjust his terrible feet as a result of his dire positioning, his dire touch and his complete lack of agility. Barry is never fully in control of the ball and every time he has it I know it’s only going to be moments before he makes me angry, he’s a defensive-midfield Heskey.
Barry gets plaudits from pundits, “he keeps it simple” they tell me “he does an important job” some will say “look how hard he works for the team” they assert, well I’m from the school of thought that says work smart not hard. Keep the ball in the first place and then there is no need for Barry to be there to win it back, worse still it’s always Barry who gives it away in the first place, Barry is there to clean up the mess he himself creates. He’s like a bin man who litters his own street just so he can tidy it up, thus making sure he has a job to do. Just when you think they might finally see his wicked ways and will expose Barry for the fraud that he is after yet another totally inept display, Gary Neville gives him man of the match and I just want to cry, in a dark room, alone.
The best midfield players in the world are small, agile, quick on the turn, excellent in possession, technically gifted and generally Spanish. We have Gareth Barry an outdated player stuck in the wrong generation. He’s a land line in a world of smart phones, a camp fire in a world of microwaves, a great big ugly dinosaur in down town Tokyo clumsily stepping on people and leaving devastation and destruction in his wake.
I don’t like Gareth Barry and I think he’s shit.